Loving someone without losing myself: Communication and Coping Tips

Some love feels like home. Some love feels like walking barefoot on broken glass.

For a long time, I confused being chosen with being safe and loved. I thought if I did more, stayed quiet, or said all the right things, it would be enough to make someone stay. Maybe even be enough to make someone see me.

But the truth is, love shouldn’t feel like a constant apology for existing. It shouldn’t feel like a never-ending game of trying to earn someone’s love.

In this post, I’m opening up about the parts of my relationship that have been hard to name out loud, and how I’ve started to choose myself while still loving someone else.

We’ve all heard the phrase, “you can’t love someone else if you don’t love yourself.” And while that holds some truth, I also think it’s a bit of a sham. I don’t believe you need to cut off romantic relationships just because you’re still figuring out how to love yourself. Growth doesn’t always happen in isolation. But I do believe it’s important to understand yourself and know what you're really looking for.

My relationship hasn’t always been as steady as it is now. I had to look at a lot — and I mean a lot — of things about myself. I had to unpack what I actually need and want in a relationship, which turned out to be way harder than I expected.

Sure, we all say we want honesty, loyalty, respect — the usual checklist. But what about the deeper things? Do you need emotional intimacy? Do you need to feel like a team? Do you crave certain types of support? These are the questions I’ve been sitting with, and I’ll be exploring them more in this post.

And let me be clear: I’m not a professional. I’m not a relationship guru. I’m just someone

trying to figure it all out, probably like you.

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The Communication Struggle

One of the biggest hurdles in my relationship has been communication.

We hear “communication is key!” or “just communicate!” all the time. But how do we actually do that in a way that’s honest and effective?

For me, it started with taking a step back and asking myself:

• What am I really trying to say?

• How would I want this said to me?

When I get triggered, I tend to jump straight into emotional overdrive. Cue the classics: “Are you mad at me?” or “Do you even like me anymore?”

Sound familiar?

Let’s be honest, those questions don’t usually get us what we need. What I’m really asking is, “Can you please reassure me?”

So I started rephrasing.

Instead of “Are you mad at me?” I now try:

👉“Hey, I noticed your mood shifted a bit. Is it just a long day?” It’s less accusatory, more open-ended. It invites connection instead of defense.

And for “Do you even like me anymore?” I’ve learned to pause and reflect:

• Was their action intentional, or just a moment of forgetfulness?

• Am I assuming the worst?

Then I say what I actually mean:

👉 “I’m a bit feely today. Can you give me some reassurance?”

Is “feely” the most technical word? No. But it softens the moment — and it works for us. (Feel free to swap it out for something more serious if that's the vibe.)

At the end of the day, you get to decide how to express yourself. And I’m not here to tell you the “right” way — because remember:

This is a soft place to land.

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Coping Mechanisms That Help Me Stay Grounded

When things feel heavy or hard to communicate, having a few go-to coping tools makes a big difference. Here are some that help me stay grounded:

• Pause & Breathe Yes, I know how cliché it sounds. But honestly, taking a few deep breaths really does give me a second to respond instead of just reacting.

• Name it to Tame it When I’m having one of my world-famous moments, I try to name the emotion. If I’m feeling a little advanced, I also try to name the cause, like fear of abandonment, control, or shame. Naming it helps shrink it down to something I can work with.

• Write It Out Obviously this one’s a favorite. Even if it’s just a few lines, I’ll jot it down in the notes app or a nearby notebook. I write what I’m feeling and then try to explore what might be behind it, like I mentioned earlier.

• Affirmations I know we hear this one a lot, but fake it ‘til you make it exists for a reason. It helps me ground myself and come back to reality. I prefer phrases like:

  • “I’m safe right now.”

  • “I can have these feelings and still be okay.”

• Dancing (yes, dancing) Sometimes you just need to shake it out. Dancing around helps me shift my energy, but even something smaller — like stretching or just raising my arms up — makes a difference.

  
  

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No relationship — including the one you have with yourself — is perfect. And that’s okay. What matters is that in some way, big or small, you're trying to understand yourself and your needs a little more each day.

If nothing else, I hope this post reminds you that you're not alone in the messy middle of figuring things out.

You're allowed to ask for reassurance (in whatever way works for you).You're allowed to take up space. You're allowed to grow in love — not just before it or after it.

If this resonated with you, I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments. Or if you’re feeling more personal, feel free to reach out to me here. And if you haven’t already, subscribe to my newsletter for future posts, journal prompts, and comforting thoughts straight to your inbox.

As always, thank you for being here.

This is your soft place to land.

— Aurelia

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Freebie Alert: I made a gentle PDF with journal prompts to hopefully help you if you are overwhelmed in love. You can download it here.